honesty

Radical Honesty

I recently finished a book called “Dopamine Nation” (Anna Lembke). She is a physician therapist who treats people in recovery from several addictions (including alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, pornography). She writes about the neurotransmitter dopamine, and how it is involved in the pain/pleasure experience. She describes how dopamine is involved in the addiction process.

One of the later chapters in her book is titled “Radical Honesty”. She notes that addictions are often associated with dishonesty, and that a path to recovery should involve honesty. Even Radical Honesty.

In AA meetings, we often read a section from the book Alcoholics Anonymous called “How It Works”. In that reading, the word “honest” appears three times in the first 100 words. I think the AA founders understood how important honesty was, even in the 1930s.

I recognize that I was dishonest during my alcoholism and addiction. I have worked hard to own my dishonesty, and the consequences of that dishonesty, by working the 12 Steps.

I don’t claim to be radically honest. I think I am improving. I do have blind spots, and I am never certain that I am even being honest with myself. So sometimes I turn to other people and ask “how am I doing?”

*****

We have an expression in the rooms, “you are only as sick as your secrets”. Secrets are a way to be dishonest. So I aim for no secrets. The opposite of secrets is transparency. If I let you into my life, into all parts of my life, maybe you will see something about me that I don’t see about myself.

I aim for transparency in three areas: money, location and schedules. Mrs. Urchin and I share the following with each other:

Money: we share all of our financial information and transactions with each other.

Location: we share our locations with each other in real time.

Schedules: we share our schedules with each other.

*****

I hope this helps.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

Guest post: A List Of Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery

Believing that addiction to one substance is the only problem
Believing sobriety will fix everything
Pursuing recovery with less energy than pursuing addiction
Being selectively honest
Feeling special and unique
Not making amends
Using the program to try and become perfect
Confusing self-concern with selfishness
Playing futile self-improvement games
Not getting help for relationship troubles
Believing that life should be easy
Using the program to handle everything

This has been a guest post by Ken D.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

Guest post: My ugly, unvarnished truth

The Urchin and I had a discussion this week about the nature of the essays presented herein. It should be noted, before I present my topic, that The Urchin and I are very different people. I’m big, loud, a bit flaky and very creative. The Urchin is quiet, methodical, organized, accomplished and brilliant. Without providing more detail, suffice it to say that we couldn’t be more different.

Having known The Urchin for twenty-four years, we’ve always had a curiosity about each other, looking at one another with the desire to have more of the best qualities of the other. Too, it is important to mention that The Urchin is the person who pulled me into the boat when I was drowning.

Over the course of the ensuing eighteen years (he didn’t pull me into the boat until we’d known each of for six years, after he became aware of my alcoholism), I’ve attended thousands of AA meetings and come to have a very different perspective on the program than The Urchin, with an emphasis on how I view sharing at meetings.

I hear and see a lot of lying in meetings. With the benefit of thousands of hours sitting in churches and clubhouses, I can tell when people aren’t being honest or are being lazy or haven’t done the work necessary to recover—the white knucklers, the mimics, the legally required, the social butterflies, the narcissists, the arrogant chronics, the conversion therapists, the traffic cops, the bullies. I could go on forever.

I love the truth—and I know it when I hear it. The truth requires courage and it helps everybody. The truth connects people to themselves and to everybody else. The truth can be ugly. The truth sometimes involves the description of families lost, arrests, blackouts, promiscuity, car accidents, broken bones, careers damaged, hookers, hooking, bankruptcy and death.

I never pissed the bed. I never threw up and continued drinking. I never was arrested. My truth is the loss of a family. I am a blackout drinker who knows he broke laws but doesn’t remember which laws. I connect with people who tell the truth about the effect of their alcoholism on the their families. I connect with blackout drinkers. When I hear people describe waking up in a pool of urine, I feel lucky and scared and grateful.

The quote above was shared in a meeting I attended in my first year. It’s ugly—just like alcoholism. I never learned anything from someone parroting their gratitude for the program while ignoring the ugliness of the disease because, as far as I’m concerned, if someone sharing in a meeting can’t share something ugly followed by a message of hope and progress, they’re stealing time from those who have hope and ugliness to share—and who can help a lot more people.

I will write more about my ugly truths.

This has been a guest post by Michael D.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

I Am Responsible

I do a lot of driving. 40,000 miles a year or so. So I get to watch a lot of things on the road. One of the things that I see is a lot of trash. Our trash. I know it is our trash, because I see us throwing it out of our car windows.

Why does anyone think that it is ok to do that?

And it isn’t just in cars, either. I walk my dog a lot, too. Not 40,000 miles a year, but a lot of miles. And the cigarette smokers on my street don’t seem to mind leaving their cigarette butts on the street.

I don’t care whether something is biodegradable or not. Here is my rule of thumb- if I won’t throw it on my kitchen floor, I won’t throw it on the street.

What’s so difficult to understand about that?

I am reading a lot right now about the Bill of Rights. People are complaining about Their Rights. I don’t hear people talking so much about their responsibilities.

So let me talk about my responsibilities.

I am a husband. I married my best friend. When we got married, my wife and I took a set of vows. Those vows included statements like “til death do us part”, and “in sickness and in health”. I learned that she meant those vows when she took them. She still means them.

So do I.

I read someplace that the sign of a really good marriage is when both partners feel like they got the better end of the deal. Trust me, I got the better end of the deal. If you know both of us, you know that to be true.

That means if she asks me to do something, I do it. We try to divide all of the chores and tasks. She takes care of food shopping and bills, so I take care of the cars and trash. It’s mundane stuff, but we take care of it, so that we can take care of each other, and ourselves.

My hope is that we get to spend the rest of our lives together, hopefully in good health. It means forever. And it also means a lot of Golden Rule stuff at home.

I am a father of two beautiful young women. Very expensive, but very beautiful.

I made a couple of promises when they were born. Something along the lines of “God, if you just get us through this delivery safe and sound, I promise I will take care of this little urchin the best that I can, for as long as I can”.

So my end of the bargain is that I think I am supposed to take care of these little urchins. That means I deal with iPhones dropped in the toilet, and iPhones dropped off of third story ledges. It means volleyball tuition and college tuition. It means that one bathroom looks like a cosmetics factory. It means 6000 diapers apiece, and all the Father-Daughter Dances I can attend.

It means that if either of them is so motivated to have a dog that they create a Powerpoint presentation entitled “Why We Should Have A Dog”, then……

I have a dog. Although it would be more accurate to say that our dog has a family. That means hundreds of night-time walks in the snow and the cold, when I don’t want to go outside. It means cleaning up dog poop, and licenses, and vaccinations, and all of the responsibilities I would want someone else to take care of, if I was him. It means baths and brushing and toys and playtime and all of the stuff he needs us to do.

I am a family member. That means that I am supposed to participate in my family. I am supposed to show up, anytime, anywhere that I am asked. It means weddings, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, Communions and Baptisms, Passovers and Christmas Eve’s (it’s complicated). It means birthday parties and wakes and funerals and all of the stuff that goes on with people that I love and care about.

It means that not only do I show up….it means that I try to show up with a smile.

And maybe even shave.

I am an employee. I have a job. A company pays me to work. That means that I am supposed to work. If possible, I am supposed to do such good work, that my company thinks that they got the better end of the deal.

I should show up every day. Every day. No “calling out sick”.

I should remember how insanely lucky I am to have this gig, or any gig at all. I am insanely lucky that I get paid to do interesting, important work, with interesting and incredibly intelligent people. There are some days I can’t believe that anyone pays me to do this. I need to act that way every day.

I work with other people. Really nice people, by the way. That means I am supposed to work well with them. I should try to treat them with dignity and respect, the same way that they treat me.

I should ask about their families, and their dogs and cats. I should ask about their vacations, and their holidays, and their traditions.

I am a taxpayer. You may not like what I have to say here.

I pay a lot of taxes. My wife and I make a lot of money, so we pay a lot of taxes. More than six figures a year. By the end of our working lives, we will pay millions of dollars in taxes.

And I would be glad to pay even more.

You know why I would be glad to pay more? Because I live in a time and a place where a poor kid from Philadelphia can receive a great education (both the kind you get in school, and the kind you get at the kitchen table), and grow up to be incredibly lucky. I am safe and well fed and educated and gainfully employed.

I use public roads, public water, public sewer, public electricity, public telephone systems, public gas works. I am the beneficiary of a lot of infrastructure that is freely, or inexpensively, available to me.

My children attend(ed) public schools. Great schools. The best schools in the nation. The real estate taxes that we pay to support those schools is a bargain. If you doubled my real estate taxes to pay for these schools, I would not complain. It’s a bargain.

In a time and a place where it is fashionable to complain about high taxes, let me be provocative.

I’m willing to pay more.

I am a citizen. That means that I should participate. I vote, every time. I try to stay informed. When I know someone who is running for office, I support them. I read. I communicate with like-minded citizens.

The people in my community who hold elected office do so out of their love for their community. Some of the jobs are totally volunteer. I applaud them for that. Our lives are better for their service.

I have the opportunity to leave this country 5-10 times a year, for work and for pleasure. Every time I leave, I learn a little bit more how lucky I am to live here. I may complain a lot- but I am lucky to be here.

I am a homeowner and a community member. That means that I should take care of my home, and my community. My lawn should be mowed, my snow should be shoveled. My trash should go into the special trash cans that we are supposed to use. I apply for permits for the work that I am supposed to apply for.

When someone organizes something in our community, I try to participate. That means candy on Halloween, and putting up luminaries on Christmas Eve.

I am a member of several service organizations. That means that I should help. When someone reaches out for help, I do my best to do what is needed. That involves attending meetings, and taking notes, and making telephone calls, and serving meals, and donating money.

These are organizations that helped me, helped my profession and my community, and helped people I know. It is the least that I can do to repay the favor.

I have a body. That means that I should try to take care of it. That means eating right, and lots of exercise, and plenty of rest. I’m a vegetarian, and I exercise rigorously at least 4 times a week. No less than 6 hours of sleep a night, and a couple of times a week I need 8 hours of sleep. I don’t apologize for that.

I need to take care of my body if I am going to be responsible for all of the other responsibilities I have.

We have an expression in our culture, “What’s In It For Me?” In short, “WIIFM”. I’ve used it.

As I grow older, I’ve started asking a different question: What Is Expected Of Me? Or “WIEOM”.

It’s the difference between the Bill of Rights and The Bill of Responsibilities.

It’s the difference between selfishness and selflessness.

What is expected of me? A couple of quotes provide good answers. In Luke 12:48: “For unto whoever much is given, of him shall be much required.” Much has been given to me, and I think it is time that much should be required of me. As someone I know used to say, “I am reporting for duty!”

I have a responsibility to provide for my family, my community, my country and my workplace. I am grateful for that responsibility. I know people who don’t have those responsibilities, and they wish that they did.

What is expected of me?

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

Who are you?

Who Are You?

Where Are You?

How Are You?

Those words were printed on the inner liner notes of the Grateful Dead’s 1971 album of the same name.

They added a mailing address, and asked their fans, known as DeadHeads, to write to them. The Grateful Dead opened a line of communication with those three questions. No band had ever tried to do that before. It was revolutionary.

Thousands of DeadHeads responded. The Grateful Dead took those names, and created a mailing list. The band used that list for 50 years as a way of staying in touch with its fans.

Please allow me to ask you the same three questions:

Who Are You?

Where Are You?

How Are You?

And in addition, I have a few more questions for you:

Do you like what we are doing here at The Recovering Urchin?

What should I be writing about?

What can I do to help support your recovery?

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

Early in my sobriety, my wife and I received our monthly credit card bill. My wife noticed that there was a $1500 credit. The credit was a mistake-it should not have been on our bill. This was a big mistake. $1500 then was like $10,000 now.

My first reaction was “Shopping spree!” My wife (let’s call her Mrs. Urchin) reminded me that:

the money wasn’t ours
we had an obligation to notify the credit card company of the mistake
the credit card company was probably aware of it already anyway

She called the credit card company, and just as she had predicted, the company had already corrected the error.

I share this story with you because it shows that my first reaction is not my best reaction. I find it difficult to be honest sometimes. Dishonesty is one of my character defects.

I don’t think I am alone here. In the first 100 words of “How It Works”, the root word “honest” appears three times:

1) …”usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves”….

2) …”they are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty”….

3) …”but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest”.

In the first 164 pages of the Big Book, the word “honest” (or honesty, or dishonest) appears 38 times.

It must be an important part of sobriety.

Bill W. understood this. Several times he wrote about Fear, Selfishness, Resentment and Dishonesty in the Big Book as the primary character defects to be analyzed (and hopefully relieved).

My experience is that dishonesty with others is only part of the problem. I understand that it is wrong to lie to other people. I think I do much better with this today. But for some reason, I struggle to be honest with myself. The word for this is “denial”. I was in denial for years about my alcoholism. I have company here. I recently heard someone say that “my alcoholism was bad only for the last 15 years”. Only 15 years?!

I have blind spots in my life. There are things that are present in my life that I don’t want to see, so I choose not to see them. Then other people take a quick glance at me, and they see those things immediately.

My sponsor and my wife (two of my role models) help me with this. They gently nudge me towards seeing the truth about myself. They help me with those blind spots that I can’t see.

Lord, help me to be honest with others, and myself, today.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

I Was Wrong

I recently heard someone say at a meeting “I reserve the right to be wrong”. On the same day, I saw a bumper sticker that said “Don’t believe everything that you think”.

In recovery, I have learned how to make mistakes, and how to admit that I am wrong. One of my favorite bits of wisdom is the part of Step 10 that says “…and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it”.

I don’t fight well. When I get into a heated disagreement at home (it happens sometimes), I retreat and stop communicating with anyone. I isolate, and refuse to talk. Sometimes for a few hours, sometimes a day or more.

I am wrong when I do this. I know it.

We have a thing that we do in my home. We try to make peace with a symbolic gesture. Remember ET in the movie of the same name? Remember when he sticks his finger out? We do the same thing, and we say “Peace?” Extending our finger out and saying “Peace?” is our symbolic peace offering.

I know that probably sounds weird, but it works.

One of my challenges in “making peace” is that I convince myself that I am right. I justify my actions by convincing myself how right I am. My sponsor asks me “would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?”

As I write this, I would rather be happy. But when I get in that weird space, sometimes I convince myself that I would rather be right.

Being wrong is one of the greatest gifts I have received in recovery. Being wrong allows me to change direction, and try something else. Being wrong allows me to apologize, and take responsibility for my actions. Being wrong allows me to make peace with those I have harmed.

I used to think that being wrong was one of the worst things that I could admit. Now I think that it is one of the best things I can admit.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin