Hal Ward

What’s The Problem?

In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, the second chapter is called “There Is A Solution”. On page 25 of that chapter, there is a paragraph that opens with “There is a solution”. But what is that the solution to? In other words, what is The Problem?

I go to a lot of AA meetings. And at many of those meetings, I hear a lot about not drinking. I hear that the problem is alcohol. But what if the problem isn’t alcohol?

I realize that question is provocative to ask in an AA meeting. I ask that question because I quit drinking a number of times. Every time I started again. Every time I quit drinking, it seemed to me that my life got worse, not better. The whole “don’t think, don’t drink and go to meetings” was not working for me.

I have a number of addictions. A brief list includes alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling, spending. Maybe food too. Maybe internet doom scrolling. I’ve attended meetings for four of those addictions. I gravitate towards anything that provides a dopamine hit and a minute of distraction.

When I first started attending AA meetings, I abstained from drinking and taking drugs for about 4 months. And my life got worse. I got worse. I didn’t have my pain medicine anymore (alcohol and drugs) but I still had all of the pain.

After a meeting one night, I asked my sponsor what to do to recover from alcoholism, and he said “you need to work the Steps”. And it changed my life. Now my life didn’t get perfect. But it started to change. I started to change. And the obsession to drink and take drugs was lifted.

What working the Steps did for me was to help me understand The Problem. I learned that the problem wasn’t alcohol. It wasn’t drugs. It wasn’t pornography or gambling or the internet.

It was my alcoholism. It was me.

I wasn’t happy when I learned that. Far from it. I learned that I have a void. People call it “a hole in my soul”. For me it is a sense of “Not Enough”. I read in a Patrick Carnes book on sex addiction “Out of the Shadows” a phrase (and I’m paraphrasing here) that Carnes core message was “I am not enough, there isn’t enough, the world is not a safe place, and my needs can only be met with sex”. I related to that.

I had been trying to meet all of my needs with a combination of alcohol and drugs and sex and spending and porn and….whatever. Whatever I could pour into the hole in my soul to temporarily help me feel like I was enough. And none of it worked. And I became addicted to all of it.

I also learned that I couldn’t just “stop drinking and go to meetings”. That wasn’t a solution for me, and I didn’t know why. Now I do. I now understand that The Solution is a spiritual solution to a spiritual malady.

Part of my spiritual solution comes from connecting with all of you. By trying to be authentic, and transparent, and by trying to help others.

Thank you for letting me share!

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

Radical Honesty

I recently finished a book called “Dopamine Nation” (Anna Lembke). She is a physician therapist who treats people in recovery from several addictions (including alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, pornography). She writes about the neurotransmitter dopamine, and how it is involved in the pain/pleasure experience. She describes how dopamine is involved in the addiction process.

One of the later chapters in her book is titled “Radical Honesty”. She notes that addictions are often associated with dishonesty, and that a path to recovery should involve honesty. Even Radical Honesty.

In AA meetings, we often read a section from the book Alcoholics Anonymous called “How It Works”. In that reading, the word “honest” appears three times in the first 100 words. I think the AA founders understood how important honesty was, even in the 1930s.

I recognize that I was dishonest during my alcoholism and addiction. I have worked hard to own my dishonesty, and the consequences of that dishonesty, by working the 12 Steps.

I don’t claim to be radically honest. I think I am improving. I do have blind spots, and I am never certain that I am even being honest with myself. So sometimes I turn to other people and ask “how am I doing?”

*****

We have an expression in the rooms, “you are only as sick as your secrets”. Secrets are a way to be dishonest. So I aim for no secrets. The opposite of secrets is transparency. If I let you into my life, into all parts of my life, maybe you will see something about me that I don’t see about myself.

I aim for transparency in three areas: money, location and schedules. Mrs. Urchin and I share the following with each other:

Money: we share all of our financial information and transactions with each other.

Location: we share our locations with each other in real time.

Schedules: we share our schedules with each other.

*****

I hope this helps.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

I Think My Spouse Has A Drinking Problem

Is my husband or wife an alcoholic?

What Does Problem Drinking Look Like?

Problem drinking looks different for different people — and is easy to deny. In the same setting, two people of similar stature, drinking the same type of alcohol, in the same amount, can have dramatically different experiences. One might doze off while the other goes off in an abusive rampage, despite virtually identical blood alcohol levels. Ironically, in the above example, both can be problem drinkers — the former just as likely as the latter–with perhaps neither being alcoholics because, among other criterion, alcoholism is about patterns of choices and behaviors.

If the former dozes off three times a week and can’t function at their job, a problem might exist. The latter might have anger issues that will arise whether they drink or not. Appearances can be deceiving. Perhaps just as importantly, no pathologies exist as a precise measuring stick for alcoholism.

So, what does alcoholism look like? It looks like a pile of jigsaw puzzle pieces that, when put together carefully, paint a picture of a problem that nobody wants to look at–spouses, family, friends, colleagues.

Is there a checklist for alcoholism?

Obvious signs of intoxication may be different for an alcoholic

There are unmistakable symptoms of intoxication: slurred speech, confusion, disorientation. But the chronic problem drinker who, over a course of several months or years, sustains behavior that results in negative effects on their lives when they are not drinking, is presented with one very large piece of the puzzle.

Commons signs of a drinking problem

Other common indicators exist. Alcoholics can develop a resistance that requires greater quantities to achieve the same results. Many hide their drinking and their bottles. Some only drink at home, alone. Others keep their activities as far from home as possible. The homebodies stash their alcohol on high shelves in the garage, in the toilet, buried in planters and in heating ducts. Others hide it in their office desk drawers. More than the behavior while drinking, the choice to hide the alcohol is a huge red flag and, despite likely vehement defiance when confronted with the choice to hide, the choice is a significant indicator. And, while the defiance may not be an outright lie– be assured that lying is taking place. Lies of omission. Lies of commission. Lies told to oneself. Lies to to the ones we love.

Ten potential indicators of alcoholism

Unfortunately, there is no checklist that will allow a user to unilaterally–and unequivocally–conclude a diagnosis of alcoholism. Perhaps more to the point is the fact that alcoholism cannot be diagnosed like other diseases. Symptoms can seem obvious but there is no blood test and there is little in the way of long term medical intervention except discontinuing the use of alcohol. An abridged list of things to look for follows.

High tolerance
Hiding alcohol
Drinking to prepare for more drinking — at parties, events and socially
Injuries that can’t be explained
Physical problems: weight gain/loss, sleep disturbances, trouble eating without drinking alcohol and substituting alcohol for meals
Lying about whereabouts, volume, driving, relationships
Psychological struggles – depression, paranoia and others
Gaslighting discussions with spouses to manipulate circumstances and avoid accountability
Strained/abusive relationships with spouse, parents, children, friends, co-workers, bosses
Legal problems related to poor decision-making while intoxicated

Dealing with the issues of a high-functioning alcoholic

A chronic drinker may be able to hide the symptoms from even those closest to them–and, when discovered, have the uncanny ability to convince those with the concerns that the problem is theirs. I had been an active alcoholic, at times able to get drunk twice a day for over a decade, and my live-in girlfriend and colleagues had no idea. I was an expert in avoiding detection. Most alcoholics are.

What’s the difference between a problem drinker and an alcoholic?

Semantics, mostly–if the results of the drinking are compromising the life and health of the person. The question, however, can be hotly debated in online reference resources and by those involved. The answer will always be qualified by defining the motivation behind the person who is asking and the person who is answering. A case in point is binge drinking. Binge drinkers can go days–or weeks–without physically needing alcohol but, when they drink, they often blackout. Few people who blackout from drinking more than once or twice aren’t problem drinkers.

The former title, for most people, often seems more palatable. In our culture, the ugliness and fear associated with the “A” word is sometimes enough to keep people from getting help so, if the patient or their circle needs to use a kinder term, do so. That said, if the results are the same, the name is just a name. Alcoholism does not require a physical reliance on the substance.

How Long Does It Take To Become An Alcoholic?

Problem drinking may go on for years or decades. An alcoholic may drink excessively–and compulsively– for 30 years without interruption. Despite this fact, different people have different risk profiles. Binge drinking, for example, is a rising problem among many young people who have only begun drinking.

Conversely, over that course of decades of non-binge drinking, we can develop a tolerance that results in the need to drink as much as 10 times more than normal drinkers, without showing as many signs of being drunk. A strong case can be made that the correlation between alcoholism and the length of one’s drinking career can vary dramatically.

What If My Spouse Has A Problem With Both Alcohol and Drugs?

Many people mix alcohol and drugs. The drugs may include both prescription drugs (like opiates) and illegal drugs. It should be noted, too, that other comorbid compulsive behaviors are common, like gambling, sex, food and more.

Drugs and alcohol present a particularly dangerous combination, for several reasons. Mixing alcohol and most mind-altering drugs can very easily result in deadly overdoses. Alcohol is a sedative, as are opiates and, when combined, can suppress breathing to point of death. In addition, if we choose to drive after taking a combination of alcohol and drugs, the risk to those sharing the road (and ourselves) is greatly increased.

Protecting the spouses of all active alcoholics

Concerned spouses are encouraged to seek the help of a licensed therapist if there is a concern about dealing with a potential alcoholic for four reasons: 1) To identify healthy and safe ways to discuss concerns, 2) To identify appropriate ways to ensure the alcoholic’s accountability with resolutions, 3) To maintain one’s own ability to navigate the difficult circumstances that result from a spouse’s alcoholism, 4) To receive guidance to other professionals whose services may be required if the situation continues to deteriorate–like attorneys, detectives, family counselors, women’s shelters, etc.

Treatment For Alcoholism

What Is An Intervention?

Taking the first step in treating your spouse’s alcoholism

Alcoholism eventually affects everyone with whom the alcoholic comes into regular contact. And, while observations and experiences can differ based on the relationship with the alcoholic, the problem will eventually become undeniable. When those within the alcoholic’s sphere of influence have a chance to compare notes, the ugly truth is usually identified and an intervention becomes the next appropriate step.

Is professional support important for an intervention?

Intervention is a process undertaken to address the shape of the group’s life when an alcoholic’s problem is unambiguous. It is usually a formal process that includes a professional in addiction treatment and a number of persons affected by the behavior of the alcoholic. The inclusion of an independent certified professional is strongly advised.

How do I prepare for my spouse’s intervention?

The process begins when a family member–often a spouse or significant other–requests help from a rehabilitation center or the family physician. An intervention professional meets with the family member, and possibly also with other members of the family and friends, to coach them on the intervention process. Family and friends are taught not to accuse the alcoholic. Instead, they are coached to share how the alcoholic’s alcoholism has affected them. For example, a wife may offer that “when you showed up drunk at our daughter’s Father/Daughter dance, it embarrassed our daughter and me”. The technique is designed to prevent the alcoholic from denying whether or not something happened and, just as importantly, the alcoholic cannot deny the feelings being expressed.

What happens during an intervention?

All of the family members and friends who wish to participate are gathered in a private room with the interventionist. Then, the alcoholic is brought to that room, often without warning, and confronted. The interventionist explains that the alcoholic’s family and friends have gathered to explain the impact of the alcoholism on each of the participants. Then, one by one, each of the family and friends take a few minutes to share how they have been affected by the behavior of the alcoholic. The alcoholic is asked to listen to the feedback, without commenting, until the end of the intervention.

Is an intervention a structured event?

Yes and no. Experienced interventionists always have a firm yet adaptable game plan that allows for adjustment based on the number of participants, their temperaments, the personality of the alcoholic and other factors unique to a given situation.

The interventionist often coaches the participants to describe consequences, if the alcoholic chooses to continue drinking. For example, in my situation, my boss was part of the process. He explained to me that I could participate in a formal, inpatient rehabilitation process and, at the completion of the process, my job would be waiting for me. If I chose not to participate, he told me that I would he would terminate my employment immediately. I accepted treatment.

Prior to most interventions, arrangements are made for inpatient rehabilitation, if the alcoholic chooses to receive help. In some cases, the alcoholic is taken directly to a rehabilitation facility. Unfortunately, many alcoholics refuse treatment. Some refuse to participate in the intervention, choosing to leave the intervention and continue their alcoholism.

The goal of an intervention, in almost all cases, is to get the alcoholic to accept the fact that a life-endangering problem exists, to offer a concrete solution (rehab) and to immediately move toward resolution of the problem (attending rehab).

What is The Difference Between Rehab and Detox?

Family members seeking help for the alcoholic are often confronted with new language and jargon. Among the most commonly misunderstood are “detox” and “rehab”. Often, people use the two interchangeably despite each being very different.

Detoxification (or “detox” for short):

A medical process of weaning the alcoholic off of alcohol. This process usually involves a short hospital stay (2-3 days), where the alcoholic is observed closely, receives around-the-clock medical support, and medication (if needed), to alleviate the symptoms of withdrawal.

Alcoholics usually experience significant withdrawal symptoms when we stop drinking. The consequences of those withdrawal symptoms can be severe, including seizures, psychiatric symptoms, and in rare cases, a syndrome called Delirium Tremens, which may be fatal. Also, withdrawal symptoms produce an intense craving for alcohol in order to stop the withdrawal, which makes the alcoholic/addict much more susceptible to relapse.

Rehabilitation (or “rehab” for short):

Rehab takes place over a longer period of time. Usually 28 days. Medical support is often included (although not as intensive as in detox). Additionally, psychological/psychiatric support, counseling, and group therapy take place. Beyond the described supports a reorientation to a healthier, more organized everyday life is stressed. The patient makes their bed, arrives on time for scheduled events, maintains hygiene, is encouraged to build relationships and performs chores common to most healthy people.

In short, Detox focuses on the medical management of the patient. Rehab, on the other hand, focuses on why the patient became an alcoholic, in an attempt to prevent relapse.

Does Every Alcoholic Need to Go to Rehab?

Every alcoholic should have a medical evaluation by a physician who understands alcoholism. Admittedly, this suggestion often isn’t possible until the alcoholic is literally inside the rehabilitation facility and, sometimes, the physician may find that alternative medical tactics should be undertaken and/or replace rehab altogether. It should be noted, too, that most physicians, with an emphasis on family practitioners, receive almost no training on alcoholism in medical school.

What Is the Difference Between Inpatient and Outpatient Rehab?

Inpatient rehabilitation is a process that occurs when the alcoholic remains at a specialized facility 24 hours/day. Stays as short as three days take place. Some last as long as three months.

Intensive support is necessary for many alcoholics. Very poor health is common, as is homeless, malnourishment, broken families and evaporated personal infrastructure. Full time treatment gives an alcoholic the time and the place to work on their recovery, and to receive all of the required support under one roof. Another advantage to inpatient rehabilitation is the safety and security provided, keeping unnecessary life stressors and the temptation of friends who are drinking and taking drugs at arm’s length.

However, some people choose not to receive inpatient care due to lack of insurance, time or money and, instead, participate in outpatient rehabilitation. Outpatient rehab generally involves meeting with a counselor, and possibly a small group of other alcoholics, several evenings a week for several weeks. Some outpatient rehabilitation is called “intensive outpatient”, and may meet as many as seven times per week.

The advantages of outpatient rehab include lesser cost and also the possibility that the alcoholic can continue living at home and working, if they still have a job.

How Do I Find A Good Rehab?

Your family physician can help identify a good rehab. As described above, many physicians don’t have substantial training in addiction, but almost all family physicians have a long list of patients experiencing alcoholism and have had to help each take the first step toward a healthier life — beginning with rehab.

In addition, if you have health insurance, your insurance company has data on rehabs with good (and bad) results. Although I am not a big fan of insurance companies, they do have a vested interest in ensuring the best treatment possible. It is good for them if you receive treatment that works.

Is Rehab Expensive?

Most facilities cost $500-$1,000 per day, with some charging significantly more. Sometimes treatment may be required for one month or more. That means treatment can cost $20,000-$30,000, or more.

Some insurance companies cover the cost of a rehab stay for the treatment of alcoholism. If you or a loved one is considering rehab, call your insurance company to see discuss costs. Even with health insurance, however, there may be significant out-of-pocket costs.

Can AA Help A Problem Drinker? Can I Just Go To AA and Do This Myself?

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) can indeed help a problem drinker. AA is the only place that alcoholics can go where they can speak directly with other people who have had the same experiences–the good, the bad and the ugly. The people in AA do not lecture, they do not charge any money for their time, they do not set or enforce rules. They offer their time and their experience in the hope that doing so will help themselves stay sober. In this context, even alcoholics who choose to go their own way are not alone in their struggle. Almost every rehab program will encourage the alcoholic to embrace AA.

There are some limitations to the do-it-yourself approach, however.

No one in AA acts as a healthcare professional. Nobody directs another member’s recovery. Nobody tracks a participant’s progress. Everyone is free to come and go as they please and, for those alcoholics whose early sobriety requires structure, organization and accountability, the flexibility can offer another place to hide behavior. The problem with the DIY approach is that the person in charge of my recovery is me — and I came into recovery with some serious medical and mental issues. I received professional help for those issues, and you may need professional help too.

Despite the success stories associated with AA, the grim reality is that the recovery rates for someone who walks into their first AA meeting are shockingly low. Most people don’t recover from alcoholism. (For more detail, read later on “Alcoholic Data and Progress”).

What Happens After Rehab?

The importance of aftercare — including AA meetings, group therapy, participation in support groups, family counseling, and medical checkups — cannot be overstated. A lifetime commitment is often required.

Alcoholic Data and Progress

Sadly, solid statistics on recovery do not exist because the necessary data is hard to compile, for several reasons:

There is no central repository for this information. Rehabs don’t have to report outcomes to a central authority.
Twelve step programs (e.g. AA, NA) do collect estimates on the number of members that they have, but they do not track or record the progress that individual members make in their recovery.
There is a lot of shame associated with alcoholism. As a result, individuals (and their physicians) are reluctant to record honest diagnoses on hospital admission and discharge notes.
When people die of alcoholism, the cause of death is often described as something else: for example, as accidental injury, exposure, pneumonia, infection, or suicide.

With all of this in mind, there are at least two recent publications that discussed the mortality associated with alcoholism. You can read about those publications in my essay “This Is Our Plague”.

Briefly, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) published a report estimating that 632,000 Americans die every year from tobacco, alcohol and drug addictions. The World Health Organization published a report that estimates that 3 million people die worldwide from alcohol abuse.

With love,
The Recovering Urchin

The Ant and the Grasshopper

I wrote this essay for another site. I wrote about how some people approach life one way, and other people approach life a different way.

I think the lessons apply for those who are recovery. As you are reading this, instead of asking “how much money do I need in retirement?”, maybe ask “how hard do I have to work at my recovery?”

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

I read a fable when I was young called The Ant and The Grasshopper. In the fable, the ants worked and saved every day, and the grasshoppers played and enjoyed their time in the sun. The grasshoppers teased the ants, because the grasshoppers were having a lot of fun in the sun.

The ants kept storing food, and the grasshoppers told the ants “don’t worry-there is enough!”

Until winter came.

I am an ant. I work and I save, and I plan for winter.

But I watch the grasshoppers, and it looks like they are having fun.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I am having an affair with a lady who works for our local financial services firm. This firm was founded by some super-ants. She is a super-ant. She has worked for this company for about 15 years. So we save a lot.

But I struggle with “how much do we need to save, and how much is enough?” Some days I want to be a grasshopper and purchase a Porsche, and other days I want to be a super-ant and find pennies in the sofa and rush them to the bank.

How much is enough?

I have read that 50% of all Americans have saved nothing for retirement.

How much do we need for retirement? That is an ant question. There are a lot of ways to answer it, so I will share one way.

One calculation is to take your current annual spending, and multiply it by 20. That is an estimate the amount of savings that can last all of your retirement. That allows an approximate 3-4% withdrawal every year, forever, assuming that your investments gain 3-4% a year.

For example, if your annual spending is $100,000, then you need $100,000 x 20, or $2,000,000, saved for retirement. If you withdraw 4% of that a year, you withdraw $80,000. Hopefully Social Security fills in the rest.

But 50% of Americans have nothing saved.

What happens to the grasshoppers when winter comes?

A generation ago, companies provided pension plans to their employees. An employee who worked his/her entire life at a company could retire with a pension that provided for a reasonable retirement.

But about 25 years ago, companies started eliminating pensions (called defined benefit plans), and started moving towards employee-funded programs, like 401ks (called defined contribution plans). Defined contribution plans require employees to take charge of their own savings.

That approach works well for ants. It doesn’t work well for grasshoppers. It also doesn’t work well for people who don’t make enough to save 10% or more of their annual income.

How much is enough?

I have met people who have lived in refugee camps. I know a couple of people who have been homeless, one of them for over a year. Some of my relatives lived through the Great Depression. Some friends have been in war zones.

These are people who did not have much. But they don’t seem to struggle with the concept of “not enough” in their lives. But I do.

I was getting a haircut on Wednesday night, and the woman cutting my hair said “God will provide”.

Really? What about for my friends who were homeless? What about for the people in refugee camps? None of them chose to be there, and some of them were really smart, really hard working people, who were caught up in circumstances.

What about “God helps those who help themselves”.

Maybe. Let me think about it.

I drive 120 miles roundtrip every day for work. I don’t recommend it, but I have a great gig, which happens to be in Princeton. So I drive.

There aren’t many gas stations on my route. The middle 50 miles has no gas stations at all. So I have to be conscious of how much gas I have left.

How much is enough?

About twice a year, there is a “mother of all traffic jams” on my commute. A truck overturns, spilling its contents on the road. Or there is an accident with a fuel spill and a car fire.

Whatever the cause, a couple of times a year, my ride turns into an adventure. And “how much gas do I have” becomes an issue.

During one of these traffic jams, I spent 4 hours in the car. I saw several people who ran out of gas, pushing their cars to the side of the road.

So I make it a practice to always have at least 180 miles of gas in the car in the morning for my 120 mile commute.

Mrs. Urchin took my car out last night, and left it with 175 miles of gas.

So I stopped at the gas station this morning. Because I don’t want to run out of gas on the Pennsylvania Turnpike during the mother of all traffic jams.

With love,
The Recovering Urchin

Where I Go For Hope

A friend of mine asked me “where do you go for hope?” He was feeling hopeless at the time. I don’t know why, but his question resonated with me.

This is where I go for hope.

I go to AA meetings for hope. This never fails me. I go because I hear other people sharing their experience, strength and hope. They give that hope away for free.

We regularly have 1000 years of sobriety in attendance at my home group. There are a few people with 40+ years of sobriety, and at least 20 people with 30+ years sober. That is incredibly hopeful for me. How could I not get hope from sitting in a room of people with that much sobriety?

I go to my sponsor for hope. My sponsor is a hopeful man. He always finds a way to find light in a situation. His attitude and outlook on life are contagious.

I know I need to call him when I don’t want to call him. When I am feeling blue, I know it is time to pick up the phone and listen to his joy.

I go to my family for hope. My wife and daughters are hopeful people. They believe in positive things. They believe that their actions and their words can make a difference in the lives of other people. As I write this, the three of them are participating in the democratic process, and knocking on peoples doors. They believe that what they are doing will make a difference in the next elections.

I go to work for hope. You might be surprised that I included this. But I did. I work for a small healthcare company that is developing medicines for the treatment of rare diseases. There are some very smart people who work at this company.

Have you ever heard the expression “we aren’t trying to cure cancer here”? The people that I work with are trying to cure cancer. They could be making more money doing something else, but they believe that they are contributing to the greater good by doing exactly what they are doing right now.

How could I not be inspired by that?

I go to the gym for hope. The gym that I go to is full of people who work hard every time they go there. They believe that their lives will be better if they work hard at their physical fitness. I was skeptical the first time I went, but that work ethic is infectious. I can’t help but work hard when I am in a gym full of other people working hard.

I go to my dog for hope. My dog is the eternal optimist. He is full of unconditional love. He has a precious soul. One hour at the park is the highlight of his day, maybe his week.

Going to the park with him might be the highlight of my week, too.

Where do you go for hope?

With love,
The Recovering Urchin

This I Believe

In the 1950s, there was a radio show called “This I Believe”. People wrote essays about things that they believed, and then had 5 minutes to read those essays on the radio. The show was very popular, and later became a series of best-selling books of the same name.

I recently started an online seminar on book-writing and book-promotion. One of the homework assignments was to write a manifesto. The seminar leader explained that our manifesto should describe what our world view is. In other words, what do we believe in? In that spirit, I’ll add the following quote…. “a man who stands for nothing will fall for anything” (Malcolm X).

This is what I believe.

I believe in altruism. I believe in the value of doing something for other people, without expecting or wanting anything in return.

I donate time and money whenever I can. I mostly try to do so in my local community, so that I know that it will help people close to me, even if I don’t know who the recipients are. I like to say “you might be surprised who gets helped the most”. It might be me.

I donate blood. This is a great way to help others, and expect nothing in return. My hope is that my 8 gallons (and counting) have helped dozens of people who need my blood more than I need it. I will never know who was helped, and that’s ok.

I have a little booklet of sayings and quotes. One of them is “as I give to the world, so shall the world give to me”. Call that karma if you want. I believe in it. And my life works a lot better when I practice it.

I believe there is enough to share. I have been blessed in my life with too many things to list here. I live in an affluent area, my wife and my daughters and I have great gigs to go to every day. We live in a time and a place where we live like princes and princesses. We want for nothing important.

I believe that everyone deserves to have the same opportunity. Everyone. Not just the people with the same beliefs as me, or the same political persuasion, or those who root for the same football team. Everyone-no exceptions.

Why limit opportunity for others? Where is the win in that strategy?

I believe in the value of great public education. The next generation of leaders, teachers, physicians, CEOs, and public servants are sitting in classrooms right now. Why wouldn’t we want them to be their very best?

When my wife and I started the process of house-hunting in the early 1990s, our real estate agent (who was on the school board of a district nearby) suggested that we go house hunting in the district with the very best schools in the state. We objected at first. We explained that “we will never have children” (not a very accurate prediction, by the way). He explained to us that even if we never had children, that the value of our home would always stay strong, because the value of good schools drives the value of home prices. He was right. Even during the mortgage meltdown 10 years ago, the value of our house dipped a little bit, and only temporarily.

I believe in the value of financial literacy.

Most workers no longer receive a pension. Because of that, most of us are now have to plan for, and save for, our golden years. Never before have so many of us been responsible for our own financial future. Never before have so many of us been so unprepared to deal with that responsibility.

I believe that everyone should know how to balance a checkbook, pay some bills, maintain a simple budget, and understand how to save and invest for the future.

I believe in the value of all people. That includes people from every background, and all races, sex, religions, countries…..you name it, you’re important. No exceptions. I’ve written about this before- I believe in what the plaque on the Statue of Liberty says. I’m also aware of more intolerance than any time in my lifetime. I can change that in my little corner of the world. I believe that.

I believe that I need your help. I am not a “self-made man”. I am where I am because of other people. I am not a lone wolf. I received a great education, and great role models helped me become who I am. I wouldn’t be where I am without them.

I think it is important that I try to give back, in some small way, what I so freely received.

I believe in the value of companionship. As I have gotten older, I have learned the value of human interaction, especially those with whom I am closest. I need human interaction every day. Even though I am an introvert, I am not supposed to be alone. I am better off for having other people in my life. I do a crossword puzzle with my best friend every day. There is a reason for that, and it isn’t about the puzzle.

I believe in the value of hard work, and the importance of discipline. I know a lot of people who can’t (or don’t) work. I wouldn’t trade places with any of them. Even the wealthy ones. I think work is about a lot more than money. Work provides me discipline, and structure, and keeps me mentally and physically active. It helps my self esteem. I’m grateful for the opportunity to work, and I hope that I’m able to continue working for many more years to come.

I am better off having work in my life. It provides structure and discipline for me in every area of my life, including my social life, diet, exercise, finance, and recreation. I value every part of my life more, because I am so busy.

At the same time, I am aware that a lot of people don’t have a job to go to every day. There are lots of reasons for this (retirement, disability, unemployment, prison, welfare). Regardless of the cause, none of it looks appealing to me. I want to continue working for as long as I am physically and mentally able to do so.

I believe that miracles happen in the lives of people. I’ve seen several of them occur. I’ve seen people with impossible diseases experience cures. I’ve seen people who were once hopeless and homeless experience transformations that allow them to be incredibly productive members of society. I’ve seen people who were once immobilized by illness, who now lead lives with more energy than I have.

Maybe “miracles” sounds too dramatic. But if not a miracle, what other word would you use?

I believe that I can make a difference with my writing and my storytelling. I believe that my writing is pretty good. I regularly receive feedback from readers about how meaningful my essays have been to them. I believe that when I write well, that I can connect with people as well as anyone.

I believe in the power of stories. Stories convey meaning in a way that other written forms cannot. Stories are memorable because they involve people that we know. I remember stories, because I remember people in my life.

Last year, I published my first book and I held my first book event. I was lucky enough to have an event at a small theater in my hometown. Fifty of my friends, family and readers attended. It was a special evening. For several weeks, those who attended mentioned how much they enjoyed the event.

What made it really special was that we told stories, and now we have new stories to tell. That night was my first book event, but it won’t be the last. I promise.

My writing moves people. I know that. I think I do it well. What I don’t do well (yet) is building an audience. I believe that “building an audience” doesn’t just happen for most authors. It takes work, and I haven’t done much of that work yet.

But I will.

This I Believe.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

Guest post: Grace, compassion and the stink of the soul — part one

Last Sunday, I chaired a local AA meeting. Compassion and grace were chosen as the topics. Faced with seventy souls, some of whom were actually listening, I let loose my truth. Heads nodded, faces contorted, uncomfortable grunts plunked into the air like a chunk of cheese was being coughed up. Judgement of all kinds was exercised.

Among the truths and experiences described was the ability for active alcoholics being able to find each other at large gatherings. I am of the opinion that, in a group of 100 people, where only two substance abusers are in attendance, they will be attracted to each other like magnets. Somehow we know each other—hidden in plain sight, we seem to be able to sniff each other out.

In this context, during the meeting, I discussed the stench that an alcoholic’s pores emit the day after a binge. Teeth can be brushed, a shower can be taken, extensive grooming can have taken place, but still the stench emanates from every pore and fills the room.

Given the fact that alcoholism is as much about a mind compromised by a disease as it is about the substance, it occurred to me spontaneously, during the meeting, that the attraction of alcoholics to one another is based on our ability to smell the stench of a toxic disease leaving the pores of a peer’s soul.

How does this relate to grace and compassion? Read part two next week.

This has been a guest post by Michael D.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

The Importance of Home Groups

I have belonged to the same home group for 25+ years, ever since I moved to the county that I live in. I think that one of the reasons that I have been sober as long as I have is that I have a home group.

My home group is a place where people know me. By “know me”, I mean that they know my first and my last name, my address, what I do for a living. Many of my home group members know my family. We have attended weddings and funerals and other ceremonies together.

It is so important for me to have a place to go to where I feel comfortable being myself. Recovery can be challenging sometimes, and I need a place to go to where I feel comfortable sharing my truth. My home group is such a place.

My home group is also a place where newcomers thrive. We ask at every meeting for people who are willing to be sponsors, and we regularly have 30-40 people who volunteer to do so.

I have a very strong home group. We do service commitments (prisons, hospitals, rehabs), and we contribute to AA as a whole (GSO, Intergroup, our local Area and District). Many home group members enjoy fellowship together (coffee, meals, sporting events and concerts). And we have a lot of recovery in our group. One time we did a count of sobriety, and counted over 1000 years of sobriety in the room. On most days, we have 2-3 people with 40+ years, twenty or so with 30+ years, and lots and lots of people with 10 or 20 years sober. On most days, we have 100 or more people attending our meetings.

I need the help of sober people to stay sober. At the end of my active alcoholism, I tried the “I can do it myself” method, and I failed several times. I failed so badly that I now know that the only way I can stay sober is with the help of sober alcoholics.

I find those sober alcoholics at my home group. I sometimes share at my group that “I can’t share this stuff in the deli line at the supermarket”. If I did share my stuff in the deli line, I think people would probably leave that line!

When I come to my home group, I am with kindred spirits. They are people just like me-trying to stay sober, and help someone else to achieve sobriety, one day at a time.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

The Law of Averages

I wrote this essay for another site. I am posting it here, because it applies for people in recovery. My experience is that the average result in life isn’t what I want. My experience is also that the average result in Alcoholics Anonymous is not what I want.

Think about that when you read this essay. Do you want the average? Or do you want something better than that?

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

The Law of Averages is a principle that states that a large randomly selected subgroup is likely to reflect the population as a whole. For example, if 10% of the entire population is left-handed, then it is likely that 10% of a randomly selected large group will also be left-handed.

But that law doesn’t work with small sample sizes.

Like my family.

Sometimes I have a conversation that starts with “most people don’t live the way we do”. Allow me to explain.

Do an internet search on any of the following lifestyle behaviors- diet, exercise, smoking, drinking, saving/spending, TV watching, etc. Type in “the average American ____” for any of those behaviors.

The average American watches 35 hours of TV a week. Five hours of TV a day.

The average American marriage lasts 8 years. The American divorce rate is 40-50 percent. (Are all of the remaining marriages happy marriages? Probably not.) So the average marriage may not result in divorce- but it doesn’t look very happy, either.

The average school loan debt just passed $30,000. The median American household (not individual- household) salary was just under $52,000. Meaning if two partners each have $30,000 in school loans, in a house with the median income….well, it’s going to take a long time to pay those school loans.

The average American savings rate is about 3%. But the median (the most frequent) savings rate is 0%. I just read online that 4/10 Americans have no emergency savings. None.

The average American male weighs 191 pounds, and his ideal body weight is 162 pounds.

18% of American adults smoke.

Only 3.2% of American adults are vegetarians.

Only 30% of Americans have a passport. Many of those with passports don’t use them. So the average American is never going to see London, or Paris, or Rome.

So what’s the point?

The point is that I live a different life than most people. Not better. Not worse.

But a lot different.

Have you ever seen the movie “The Matrix”? In that movie, Keanu Reeves does some time travel. He has an experience where he exists in a place, but he is separate from that place and the people who live there. He can see the other people who live in that place, but they can’t see him.

My experience is like that sometimes.

At our house, we sit down for dinner, and we talk about life in the Matrix. We don’t call it the Matrix, but that’s what it is.

We have two TVs in our home. This year I watched part of the Super Bowl, and part of a basketball game during the Final Four. That two hours of TV makes me the super-user of the TVs in our home. I cannot remember the last time anyone else in my family turned on a TV.

Try explaining to someone that you’ve never seen Seinfeld. Or Cheers. Or Friends. Never binge-watched a show, because you haven’t watched a show since the 1980s.

I have turned on a TV series since 1980.

We are all vegetarians at my house (except for my dog). Being a vegetarian isn’t rare anymore, but it isn’t that common. I recently ate at a restaurant that had no vegetarian main courses. The one “vegetarian” option had bacon in it. I’m not making that up. My daughter and I had to order a side salad as our main course.

As a result of our diet, we are all at our ideal body weight.

We avoid debt. Our hope is that our girls graduate college without any school loans. That’s the plan, and we are sticking to it.

We travel. Some people tell us that we travel a lot. I’ve travelled to 41 countries, a total of 105 times. My girls have been to 14 different countries so far. It’s what we do for fun, so it doesn’t seem like a lot.

I have been to 5 continents, and I have a trip planned to the sixth (in New Zealand) in six weeks. I’ve been to AA meetings in 14 countries on 4 continents. I’ll go to a meeting in New Zealand soon.

In the movie “The Incredibles”, the family has an adventure, and at the end, Violet is speaking with a young man. He tells her that she looks different.

She replies “I feel different. Is different ok?”

The young man replies “Different is great!”

I hope he’s right.

Guest post: A List Of Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery

Believing that addiction to one substance is the only problem
Believing sobriety will fix everything
Pursuing recovery with less energy than pursuing addiction
Being selectively honest
Feeling special and unique
Not making amends
Using the program to try and become perfect
Confusing self-concern with selfishness
Playing futile self-improvement games
Not getting help for relationship troubles
Believing that life should be easy
Using the program to handle everything

This has been a guest post by Ken D.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin