I Was Wrong

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I recently heard someone say at a meeting “I reserve the right to be wrong”.  On the same day, I saw a bumper sticker that said “Don’t believe everything that you think”.

In recovery, I have learned how to make mistakes, and how to admit that I am wrong.  One of my favorite bits of wisdom is the part of Step 10 that says “...and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it”.

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I don’t fight well.  When I get into a heated disagreement at home (it happens sometimes), I retreat and stop communicating with anyone.  I isolate, and refuse to talk. Sometimes for a few hours, sometimes a day or more.

I am wrong when I do this.  I know it.

We have a thing that we do in my home.  We try to make peace with a symbolic gesture.  Remember ET in the movie of the same name? Remember when he sticks his finger out?  We do the same thing, and we say “Peace?” Extending our finger out and saying “Peace?” is our symbolic peace offering.

I know that probably sounds weird, but it works.  

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One of my challenges in “making peace” is that I convince myself that I am right.  I justify my actions by convincing myself how right I am. My sponsor asks me “would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?”

As I write this, I would rather be happy.  But when I get in that weird space, sometimes I convince myself that I would rather be right.

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Being wrong is one of the greatest gifts I have received in recovery.  Being wrong allows me to change direction, and try something else. Being wrong allows me to apologize, and take responsibility for my actions.  Being wrong allows me to make peace with those I have harmed.

I used to think that being wrong was one of the worst things that I could admit.  Now I think that it is one of the best things I can admit.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

 

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Welcome to The Recovering Urchin!

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Welcome to The Recovering Urchin. This is a website for recovering alcoholics and addicts, and people who love us.

I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I have been sober for 28 years, and I believe that my experience, strength and hope can benefit others, and hopefully help someone recover from alcoholism/addiction. I will share my story sometime soon, in a post on this website.
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You are probably wondering “why use The Recovering Urchin as a website name?” Good question. Some of the answer has to do with AA’s Traditions, and some of it has to do with me.

AA’s Eleventh Tradition notes that “we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films”. That was published in 1950, and it is as true today as it was when it was written. When it was written, there was no internet. Had the internet existed in 1950, the Eleventh Tradition would state “at the level of press, radio, films and the Internet”. An A.A. Guideline on the Internet notes that “the internet, social media, and all forms of public communications are implicit in the last phrase of the short form of Tradition Eleven, which reads “at the level of press, radio and films””. The Guideline later notes that we should avoid using our full name, or full-face photographs.

So you won’t see my full name or my photograph on this site. Because of the need for anonymity at the level of the Internet, I am using a pseudonym on this website: The Recovering Urchin. I am in recovery (28 years as I write this), and I refer to people as “urchins”. I don’t know why, but I do. I refer to my children as “the little urchins”, my wife as “Mrs. Urchin”.

I am the Recovering Urchin.
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I promise you a few things about this website. First, I will remain anonymous. Second, I will not share any of your personal information with anyone, ever.

I will ask you for your email address. Because I cannot post this on FaceBook, the only way I can stay in touch with you is with an email list. So I will ask you for your email address, but you can decline. You can also unsubscribe at any time. I do promise that I won’t sell your information, or give it to marketers. I promise.

If I share parts of any of your stories (I am considering some guest blogs) I will either use only your first name, or a pseudonym.

I will try to write something recovery-related to you, about once a week. I may miss a few weeks for travel or work, but I will try.

I promise that all of the content on this site will be free.

There will not be a “Comments” section on this site, because I do not want to monitor the Comments section for trolls. I did that on another site, and it wasn’t any fun. So no Comments section.

I will try to share my experience, strength and hope with you, as it pertains to alcoholism and addiction. My hope is that my experience may benefit someone that I may never meet.

I will try to follow the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions on this website to the best of my ability. Some of my recovering friends have promised to check on me, and let me know how I am doing. I will try to be free of resentment, fear, and ego on this site, unless I am sharing an experience where those topics are warranted.

I wish you peace in sobriety.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

 

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The Most Important Thing

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Several years ago, I made a list of all the people I knew who had 30+ years of sobriety. I referred to these people as “oldtimers”. My list was a small one at the time. I knew five people who had 30-40 years of sobriety, and two people had 40+ years of sobriety. That meant that I knew seven people with at least 30 years of continuous sobriety. (I had met a couple of people who had more, but only met them once or twice, and didn’t know them on a first name basis).

I decided to ask these seven oldtimers the following question: “what is the most important thing in your life?”
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I have asked a lot of people this question. I have asked people in the rooms of AA, and I have also asked work colleagues, relatives, and friends who are not in recovery. It is a great conversation starter at a party or a work function. I have heard many answers, like “my spouse”, “my children”, “my pet”, “my career”, and many others. And all of those answers are correct. There is no right or wrong answer. Whatever your answer is, is the most important thing in your life.

When I asked the seven oldtimers what the most important thing was in their lives, they all said “my recovery” or “my sobriety”. (One fellow did say “my relationship with my Higher Power”, but I think that is close enough). None of them said “my career” or “my investment portfolio”. They all mentioned recovery.

I think that it is significant that all of the people I knew who had long term sobriety said that their recovery was the most important thing in their lives.
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A couple of weeks later, I realized that I had to ask these seven oldtimers another question. I went back to them, and I shared with each of them that they all answered the “most important thing” question the same.

Then I asked each of them, “how did recovery become the most important thing in your life?” Within 60 seconds, all seven of them mentioned working the Twelve Steps.
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Several years have passed since I asked these questions of the seven oldtimers. Luckily for me, I now know five people with 40+ years of continuous sobriety, and another twenty-five people with 30+ years of sobriety.

I have asked all of these people the same “most important thing” question, and always receive the same answer.

I know that recovery from alcoholism is supposed to be done “a day at a time”. So I hope that I do not offend you with what I am about to say. Someday, I want to be an oldtimer with 50 or 60 years of continuous sobriety. That looks really attractive to me.

I believe that the way for that to happen is that my recovery must be the most important thing in my life. I also believe that I need to continue working the twelve steps in my life, a day at a time.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

 

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Role Models

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Role models are incredibly important for me in recovery. Why are role models important? My role models show me healthy ways to live.

I believe that my problem in recovery is more than just a problem with alcohol and drugs.  I believe that (by myself) I do not know how to live my life.

How do I know this? For one, I tried to quit (by myself) several times before I came around to AA. Four times I quit, “once and for all, I mean it this time”. And for times I stopped temporarily, only to go back to drinking and using.

I can also tell you that I had plenty to write about in my fourth step, and I had plenty to write about in subsequent fourth steps. I kept doing the same things in recovery that I had been doing in my alcoholism. There is a passage in the book Alcoholics Anonymous that notes that “our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions”.

So what did I do about that? Briefly, I worked the twelve steps with my sponsor, and I continue to do so. I try my best to practice these principles in all my affairs. But since I had no experience practicing a principled life, I had to find people who lived principled lives, and I tried to model my life on the way they are living their lives.

So here are some thoughts and observations on four of my role models. They are also my heroes.

I have four role models. These are people I have known and watched forever. One of my friends calls them “angels”. I won’t name them by name here, but they know who they are.

A few years ago, there was a TV commercial about role models. In that commercial, a famous athlete came on screen and said “I am not a role model”. He was incorrect. You don’t choose to be a role model. You are chosen to be a role model. And sometimes you don’t know that you’ve been chosen.

My role models have several things in common:

They have all been married to their original spouses, all the days of their lives. One of my role models has been married for 63 years, so far. My role models are all happily married, too. I know because I know their spouses. Their spouses are crazy about them, and would marry them again in a minute.

With their spouses, they are great parents. They provide their children with even better lives than they have had. They provide their children every possible opportunity in education, culture, athletics, arts….and they do it with great love.

They all work for a living- and they make it look really attractive. They don’t complain about it- they view it as a privilege. (A quick story- one of my role models is 90 years old. He still works for a living. He does my taxes. Whenever I ask him when he is going to retire, he replies “Retire?! Why would I do that? I love what I’m doing!”) These 4 people never ever call out sick. Why is that? I think it because they love what they are doing. No matter what it is that they are doing, they do it with great love. They have great passion about their lives, and what they are doing with their lives.

None of them complain. Maybe that is because they love what they are doing?

A subtle trait- they are all great listeners. Whenever I speak with any of them, I notice that they give me their undivided attention. And they do that for everyone that they speak to. They make other people feel really important- and it is genuine. I know that they do that for everyone that they speak to. They aren’t looking at their smart phones, or watching TV. They don’t have headphones in their ears. They make time to speak with me, with total attention. And they do that for everyone.

They all give back to their communities. They do so in different ways (charitable foundations, coaching, mentoring programs, volunteering) and they do it with a great sense of purpose.

They show up when they say they are going to show up. They RSVP, too. For everything. For weddings, funerals, baptisms and Bar Mitzvahs. For dinner, and for coffee. For dates. For everything that they say they are going to show up for.

They all have an insatiable curiosity. They read a lot. They travel a lot. And they ask a lot of questions. They love to learn.

Interesting thing- they all love to eat. They eat with a passion. When food comes, they light up. Food isn’t just something that they eat- food is life for them. Meals get loud when they are around. Loud with laughter, and stories, and a lot of fun.

This is important-maybe most important- they have the highest integrity. I can’t stress this enough. They always (always!) do the right thing, regardless of the consequences to themselves. They do what they say they are going to do.

How do I know all of this? I watch them. I don’t ask them- I watch them very carefully. I watch what they do, not what they say.
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Why do I write this? What is the point?

My role models lead very attractive lives. Each one of them has a life that looks like the kind of life that I want to live.

I like to say “when I grow up….”. When I grow up, I want to lead a life that looks like the kind of life my roles models lead. They live rich and rewarding lives. Lives that matter to them, and to those around them as well. They live purposeful lives. I have been blessed to know each one of them.

When I grow up, I want to be a great husband. And a great father. A great son, and a great brother. And a great employee. I want people to feel that they were lucky to know me. I want to be a great role model for someone else someday.

That day is today.

 

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