Guest post: My ugly, unvarnished truth

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The Urchin and I had a discussion this week about the nature of the essays presented herein. It should be noted, before I present my topic, that The Urchin and I are very different people. I’m big, loud, a bit flaky and very creative. The Urchin is quiet, methodical, organized, accomplished and brilliant. Without providing more detail, suffice it to say that we couldn’t be more different.

Having known The Urchin for twenty-four years, we’ve always had a curiosity about each other, looking at one another with the desire to have more of the best qualities of the other. Too, it is important to mention that The Urchin is the person who pulled me into the boat when I was drowning.

Over the course of the ensuing eighteen years (he didn’t pull me into the boat until we’d known each of for six years, after he became aware of my alcoholism), I’ve attended thousands of AA meetings and come to have a very different perspective on the program than The Urchin, with an emphasis on how I view sharing at meetings.

I hear and see a lot of lying in meetings. With the benefit of thousands of hours sitting in churches and clubhouses, I can tell when people aren’t being honest or are being lazy or haven’t done the work necessary to recover—the white knucklers, the mimics, the legally required, the social butterflies, the narcissists, the arrogant chronics, the conversion therapists, the traffic cops, the bullies. I could go on forever.

I love the truth—and I know it when I hear it. The truth requires courage and it helps everybody. The truth connects people to themselves and to everybody else. The truth can be ugly. The truth sometimes involves the description of families lost, arrests, blackouts, promiscuity, car accidents, broken bones, careers damaged, hookers, hooking, bankruptcy and death.

I never pissed the bed. I never threw up and continued drinking. I never was arrested. My truth is the loss of a family. I am a blackout drinker who knows he broke laws but doesn’t remember which laws. I connect with people who tell the truth about the effect of their alcoholism on the their families. I connect with blackout drinkers. When I hear people describe waking up in a pool of urine, I feel lucky and scared and grateful.

The quote above was shared in a meeting I attended in my first year. It’s ugly—just like alcoholism. I never learned anything from someone parroting their gratitude for the program while ignoring the ugliness of the disease because, as far as I’m concerned, if someone sharing in a meeting can’t share something ugly followed by a message of hope and progress, they’re stealing time from those who have hope and ugliness to share—and who can help a lot more people.

I will write more about my ugly truths.

This has been a guest post by Michael D.

P.S. Do you like The Recovering Urchin? Let me know at therecoveringurchin@gmail.com. Please tell your friends, and remember to sign up for my e-mail list so that I can deliver this content straight to your inbox.

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