Category: Staying Sober

What’s The Problem?!

About 35 years ago, I was driving a clunker of a car. One day I hit a pothole in my city, and my car started making a lot of noise. I thought the noise might be my muffler, so I drove to the muffler shop. I told the mechanic that I thought I had a muffler problem. He lifted my car up on the jack, took one look at the underside of my car, and said “the problem is that you no longer have a muffler”.

I have a friend who likes to ask “What’s the problem?” when he hears people complaining. What he means is that he wants to know what the root cause is. Until he understands what the problem is, he can’t possibly know what the solution is.

When I first realized that I had a problem with alcohol and drugs, I decided that I was going to quit. That seemed like a reasonable solution. I thought that the problem was alcohol and drugs, and that the solution was quitting.

So I quit (“once and for all, I swear I mean it this time!”). I quit “once and for all” four different times in the last 18 months of my active alcoholism. I did not understand why I kept relapsing after I had quit with the best of intentions. After all, hadn’t I quit forever?

At my home group, I sometimes share that “the problem isn’t alcohol”. That seems like a provocative thing to say at an AA meeting. I believe it to be true.

I believe it to be true for several reasons. The first reason is that that is consistent with what is in the book “Alcoholics Anonymous”. On page 103, it says “our bottles were only a symbol” (of our problems). On page 64, it says “our liquor was but a symptom”.

I also believe that alcohol isn’t the problem because I quit “once and for all” four different times. If alcohol was the problem, then quitting would have been the solution.

Lastly, I can share with you that my life actually got worse early on in AA. I was abstinent for 90 days in AA, but I was in so much pain that I finally asked my sponsor for help. If alcohol had been the problem, shouldn’t I have gotten much better after 90 days of not drinking?

So as my friend likes to ask- What’s The Problem?

I believe that the problem is that I do not know how to live my own life. That is a difficult thing to admit. In my culture, and my upbringing, I was taught to show self-confidence, and never admit problems publicly. Admitting problems would not be consistent with “keeping up with the Joneses”.

But in AA, after working through the Twelve Steps, I finally had to admit that I had made quite a mess of my life. Only with the help of AA, my sponsor, and the Twelve Steps, have I been able to reconstruct my life and rebuild trust with my family and friends.

So I ask you-if you are struggling to stay sober, or if you are struggling with some major life problems- what’s the problem? The problem may not be what you think it is.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

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I Need Help

I heard someone say at a meeting that three of the most spiritual things she had learned
were:

I need help
I was wrong
I don’t know

I certainly need help. I need help staying sober. I have had that demonstrated to me again and again. At the end of my active alcoholism, I tried to quit drinking, once and for all (I mean it this time!) four different times. Four different times I stopped temporarily.

The first time I stopped, I lasted about a week. The last time I stopped, I couldn’t make it through 24 hours. When I was finally introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous, a gentleman shared his story, and explained to me what worked for him (the Twelve Steps). He also explained to me that he attended AA meetings frequently, and that meeting attendance helped him to stay sober.

I listened to him, I followed his advice, and I haven’t had a drink or a drug since that date. That was May 2, 1990.

Frequent attendance at AA meetings helps me to stay sober. I need the experience, strength and hope that I find at every AA meeting.

I need help with more than only the “not drinking”. I need help and direction in how I live my life. I wrote an essay entitled “Role Models”. I have four role models, and they show me how to live through their actions. They show me how to be the best father, husband, son, employee, and member of AA that I can be. They show me because they are the best parents, spouses, employees, and sober people that I know.

They truly are role models.

When I was young, I remember saying “I can do it myself”. That may have been an acceptable strategy when I was a toddler, but it doesn’t work for me anymore. I have no problem asking for help with car maintenace, lawn mowing, income tax preparation, or medical advice. But for some reason, I sometimes think it is a good idea to “go it alone” on really important things. In the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, there is a passage that states “It is worth noting that people of very high spiritual development almost always insist on checking with friends or spiritual advisers the guidance they feel they have received from God”.

If people of very high spiritual development can ask for help, why can’t I?

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

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The Most Important Thing

Several years ago, I made a list of all the people I knew who had 30+ years of sobriety. I referred to these people as “oldtimers”. My list was a small one at the time. I knew five people who had 30-40 years of sobriety, and two people had 40+ years of sobriety. That meant that I knew seven people with at least 30 years of continuous sobriety. (I had met a couple of people who had more, but only met them once or twice, and didn’t know them on a first name basis).

I decided to ask these seven oldtimers the following question: “what is the most important thing in your life?”

I have asked a lot of people this question. I have asked people in the rooms of AA, and I have also asked work colleagues, relatives, and friends who are not in recovery. It is a great conversation starter at a party or a work function. I have heard many answers, like “my spouse”, “my children”, “my pet”, “my career”, and many others. And all of those answers are correct. There is no right or wrong answer. Whatever your answer is, is the most important thing in your life.

When I asked the seven oldtimers what the most important thing was in their lives, they all said “my recovery” or “my sobriety”. (One fellow did say “my relationship with my Higher Power”, but I think that is close enough). None of them said “my career” or “my investment portfolio”. They all mentioned recovery.

I think that it is significant that all of the people I knew who had long term sobriety said that their recovery was the most important thing in their lives.

A couple of weeks later, I realized that I had to ask these seven oldtimers another question. I went back to them, and I shared with each of them that they all answered the “most important thing” question the same.

Then I asked each of them, “how did recovery become the most important thing in your life?” Within 60 seconds, all seven of them mentioned working the Twelve Steps.

Several years have passed since I asked these questions of the seven oldtimers. Luckily for me, I now know five people with 40+ years of continuous sobriety, and another twenty-five people with 30+ years of sobriety.

I have asked all of these people the same “most important thing” question, and always receive the same answer.

I know that recovery from alcoholism is supposed to be done “a day at a time”. So I hope that I do not offend you with what I am about to say. Someday, I want to be an oldtimer with 50 or 60 years of continuous sobriety. That looks really attractive to me.

I believe that the way for that to happen is that my recovery must be the most important thing in my life. I also believe that I need to continue working the twelve steps in my life, a day at a time.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

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