Tag: Twelve Steps

Guest post: Zen Spot #155 — Mindfulness, meditation and letting sleeping dogs lie

Hammurabi

Apologies can have an almost otherworldly power. To reach out, after having committed an error, recognizing that your behavior caused pain, can bring about a rare intimacy. Too, reaching out can result in Hammurabi chewing off an equal portion of whatever. The unpredictability is excruciating. Walk into an apology with your face or loins covered and your sincerity can be questioned. Arrive defenseless and the bleeding could be profuse and extended.

Nine

Among the rationale for making amends during AA’s ninth step, as far as I am concerned, is the humbling pain one must endure as forgiveness is requested. If done correctly and thoughtfully, with the desire to do whatever is necessary to make amends at the forefront, the executor’s desire to never repeat the process can be a resource from which to pull the strength not to indulge when the opportunity presents itself.

That said, every person whose forgiveness I requested acted with an astonishing grace. My loins were sincerely exposed. None punted.

Abscesses and my memory

I’ve written of blackouts. Weeks of blackouts. Time given away, and taken back spontaneously, years after, when a memory flashes back, bringing with it remorse that I thought was gone.

Flashbacks bring reflexive facial contortions. The taste of an abscess bubble bursting on my gums is less bitter. Sometimes my head shakes back and forth spontaneously and automatically even before the memory arrives.

Abscesses and other people’s memories

The problem with a fearless and thorough accounting of one’s behavior is that many of the aggrieved don’t remember the grievance and, when approached, offer only a quizzical look. That said, in my case, almost everybody possessed a memory deserving of an apology for which I had no corresponding flashback. No matter.

The dogs

The latest boomerang to fly out of the dark and land at my feet concerned a client from twenty years ago. The indiscretion will go unnamed, but the compulsion to appropriately debit and credit the metaphysical balance sheet became overwhelming. An email was drafted. A phone call was pondered. Neither was executed.

I knew he wouldn’t remember and I knew he would forgive me. Of these two facts, I am absolutely sure.

Forgiveness for the things I can’t remember found at the heart of the things I can remember. As the boomerangs continue to land at my feet, with this man in particular, my certainty in his grace allows me to forgive myself.

This has been a guest post by DharmaMechanic.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

Humility

I attended a meeting today where people were talking about humility. In the book 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, in the chapter on Step Seven, the author (Bill W.) writes about humility, and provides a good definition: “the basic ingredient of humility, a desire to seek and do God’s will”….I would like to say that I always have the desire to seek and do God’s will, but sometimes I find myself thinking much more about seeking and doing my will.

Humility is one of those things that I struggle with. I know that I am struggling with it when I say something snarky like “Do you have any idea who I am?!”

I am lucky enough to live in a prosperous place. I am blessed. I know that, most of the time. But every once in a while, I see someone driving a status symbol car, or I drive by a status symbol mansion, and I think “what is wrong with me?”

The truth is that there is nothing wrong with me. A Ferrari or a mansion won’t make me any better of a person than I already am, and not having those possessions doesn’t make me any worse, either.

But for some reason, I notice status symbols more than most of my friends. When I get on an airplane (a frequent occurrence in my life), I notice who gets to turn left and go into business class. Then I spend some time feeling “less than”. I forget that I am lucky enough to be on that plane, healthy enough to walk onto that plane, and free to go wherever I want, whenever I want. So who cares if I have to sit in the back of the plane?

My sponsor used to say “compare self to self”. He meant that I should try not to compare myself to other people, because I will always find a way to make myself feel less than I should.

Early in my sobriety, he shared the following prayer with me:

“I am no more than I am

I am no less than I am

I am the I am that I am

And AA teaches me to be

the I am that I am”

I pray today to be the best I am that I can be.

With Love,

The Recovering Urchin

Recovery Resources

When I work with newcomers, I try to work the Twelve Steps with them. I encourage them to attend as many meetings as possible (a “90 in 90”), especially as they begin their journey. I encourage them to have a sponsor, and a prayer life, if possible.

What follows is a list of additional ideas for people in recovery, especially for those times when a meeting or a sponsor is not available.

Speaker Recordings: I almost called these “speaker tapes”, because when I first came into recovery, the speakers were recorded on tape. That was a while ago. There are thousands of recordings of speakers available in almost every twelve step fellowship. If you do an internet search on “twelve step speakers”, several sites display. Many of these speakers are available as free downloads. (This is useful for those of you who travel by airplane a lot).

Telephone meetings: do an internet search on “twelve step telephone meetings”. Most Twelve Step fellowships have telephone or internet meetings. I don’t find them as useful as face-to-face meetings, but there are times I cannot attend a face-to-face meeting, and a substitute is helpful for me.

Using the Telephone – it is easy to collect telephone numbers. For me, it is difficult to use those numbers. I try to practice my dialing skills 2-3 times a week at a minimum.

Literature – I cannot emphasize enough how important the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) and the “12/12” (The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions) have been to me. There are now electronic, searchable versions of these books available for download, or available on the internet for browsing. E-readers are useful for finding a favorite passage, when I can’t remember where the passage is in the literature. They are also helpful for reading on an airplane, because there is no book cover to hide. There are also audiobooks available for some of the most popular recovery texts.

Joe and Charlie – I will write about them in more detail sometime later, but I strongly encourage people in recovery to listen to the full Joe and Charlie series. For the uninitiated, Joe McQ and Charlie P were two fellows who started a 12 hour (approximately) study of the Big Book, and the Twelve Steps. They conducted hundreds of weekend-long workshops. One of my sponsors told me “Joe and Charlie changed my recovery”. I encourage you to listen to them.

E-mail and Text lists: some of my friends have started e-mail and text distribution lists as a way to stay in touch with each other. Some send daily text “Thought for Today” messages. These are nice recovery reminders.

With Love,

The Recovering Urchin