Category: Sponsors & Role Models

When I was about 90 days sober, I thought I was going to drink again. I knew what “drinking again” felt like. I had previously relapsed four times in the last 18 months of my active alcoholism, after repeatedly vowing to never drink again.

After a Tuesday night meeting at St. Asaph’s, I approached my sponsor, and I told him the truth-that I felt like I was going to drink again. He reached for a piece of paper, and he quickly wrote the following:

I still have this piece of paper, 28 1/2 years later. Of course I do-it helped save my life. What did he write on that piece of paper?

1) Ask God for help staying sober in the morning. My recovery doesn’t come from me. My recovery is a gift from a Higher Power. I am convinced of that. On April 30, 1990, I got down on my knees, crying, and said “Help me God”. God helped me that day. Two days later I was at my first AA meeting, and I haven’t had a drink since. So I don’t mind asking my Higher Power for help. I need it. For more on this topic, see my essay “I Need Help”.

2) Thank God at night for that sober day. Every day that I have asked for help staying sober, I have been kept sober. Every one. As of today, that is 10,379 days. So I thank my Higher Power at night for this sober day.

3) Go to a meeting. At the time, my sponsor was gravely concerned about my sobriety, so he suggested that I go to a meeting every day. So I did. I don’t get to a meeting every day now, but I do have substantial contact with the program every day. Every day I listen to the First Step or the Second Step in my car, and talk to another alcoholic. When I’m on an airplane (a frequent happening in my life) I listen to a meeting on my phone.

4) Call your sponsor. My sponsor is one of my role models. I speak to him as much as I can. For more about this topic, see my essay “Role Models”. My sponsor always changes my perspective when I speak with him.

5) Read the Big Book. I believe that the first 164 pages of the book “Alcoholics Anonymous”, (also known as “The Big Book”) represent the best spiritual writing I’ve ever read. I have copies of all four editions of the Big Book, as well as copies on CD and on my phone. When I can’t get to a meeting, I read or listen to the Big Book.

6) Avoid Hungry, Angry, Lonely & Tired (“HALT”). Alcoholics are susceptible to “triggers”- things that make us susceptible to a drink. For me, some of those triggers include being hungry, angry, lonely or tired. In order to practice self-care, I need to avoid these triggers, using tools like having a healthy snack, talking to my sponsor, being with my family and friends in recovery, and taking a nap.

7) If all else fails, help another alcoholic. On page 89 of the Big Book, it says “frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives”. It’s true. Speaking with a sponsee, or another alcoholic in distress, helps me like nothing else can.

Now there is a postscript to this story. I looked at the list my sponsor handed me, and I asked him if doing these things would help me recover from alcoholism. I was absolutely certain that he was going to say yes. But instead, he said no. So I asked him what this list of seven tasks was, and he explained to me that since I thought I was going to drink, I needed to do these seven things every day until the feeling passed (and for a long time after, as well).

I then asked him what I think is the most important question I’ve ever asked any person: What do I need to do to recover from alcoholism? And he answered, “if you want to recover from alcoholism, you need to work the twelve steps”.

We started working the twelve steps together that same Tuesday night, and my life has not been the same since. I’ll write a lot more about the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous on this site. Those steps are the most important gift I’ve ever been given.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin

Role models are incredibly important for me in recovery. Why are role models important? My role models show me healthy ways to live.

I believe that my problem in recovery is more than just a problem with alcohol and drugs. I believe that (by myself) I do not know how to live my life.

How do I know this? For one, I tried to quit (by myself) several times before I came around to AA. Four times I quit, “once and for all, I mean it this time”. And for times I stopped temporarily, only to go back to drinking and using.

I can also tell you that I had plenty to write about in my fourth step, and I had plenty to write about in subsequent fourth steps. I kept doing the same things in recovery that I had been doing in my alcoholism. There is a passage in the book Alcoholics Anonymous that notes that “our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions”.

So what did I do about that? Briefly, I worked the twelve steps with my sponsor, and I continue to do so. I try my best to practice these principles in all my affairs. But since I had no experience practicing a principled life, I had to find people who lived principled lives, and I tried to model my life on the way they are living their lives.

So here are some thoughts and observations on four of my role models. They are also my heroes.

I have four role models. These are people I have known and watched forever. One of my friends calls them “angels”. I won’t name them by name here, but they know who they are.

A few years ago, there was a TV commercial about role models. In that commercial, a famous athlete came on screen and said “I am not a role model”. He was incorrect. You don’t choose to be a role model. You are chosen to be a role model. And sometimes you don’t know that you’ve been chosen.

My role models have several things in common:

They have all been married to their original spouses, all the days of their lives. One of my role models has been married for 63 years, so far. My role models are all happily married, too. I know because I know their spouses. Their spouses are crazy about them, and would marry them again in a minute.

With their spouses, they are great parents. They provide their children with even better lives than they have had. They provide their children every possible opportunity in education, culture, athletics, arts….and they do it with great love.

They all work for a living- and they make it look really attractive. They don’t complain about it- they view it as a privilege. (A quick story- one of my role models is 90 years old. He still works for a living. He does my taxes. Whenever I ask him when he is going to retire, he replies “Retire?! Why would I do that? I love what I’m doing!”) These 4 people never ever call out sick. Why is that? I think it because they love what they are doing. No matter what it is that they are doing, they do it with great love. They have great passion about their lives, and what they are doing with their lives.

None of them complain. Maybe that is because they love what they are doing?

A subtle trait- they are all great listeners. Whenever I speak with any of them, I notice that they give me their undivided attention. And they do that for everyone that they speak to. They make other people feel really important- and it is genuine. I know that they do that for everyone that they speak to. They aren’t looking at their smart phones, or watching TV. They don’t have headphones in their ears. They make time to speak with me, with total attention. And they do that for everyone.

They all give back to their communities. They do so in different ways (charitable foundations, coaching, mentoring programs, volunteering) and they do it with a great sense of purpose.

They show up when they say they are going to show up. They RSVP, too. For everything. For weddings, funerals, baptisms and Bar Mitzvahs. For dinner, and for coffee. For dates. For everything that they say they are going to show up for.

They all have an insatiable curiosity. They read a lot. They travel a lot. And they ask a lot of questions. They love to learn.

Interesting thing- they all love to eat. They eat with a passion. When food comes, they light up. Food isn’t just something that they eat- food is life for them. Meals get loud when they are around. Loud with laughter, and stories, and a lot of fun.

This is important-maybe most important- they have the highest integrity. I can’t stress this enough. They always (always!) do the right thing, regardless of the consequences to themselves. They do what they say they are going to do.

How do I know all of this? I watch them. I don’t ask them- I watch them very carefully. I watch what they do, not what they say.

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Why do I write this? What is the point?

My role models lead very attractive lives. Each one of them has a life that looks like the kind of life that I want to live.

I like to say “when I grow up….”. When I grow up, I want to lead a life that looks like the kind of life my roles models lead. They live rich and rewarding lives. Lives that matter to them, and to those around them as well. They live purposeful lives. I have been blessed to know each one of them.

When I grow up, I want to be a great husband. And a great father. A great son, and a great brother. And a great employee. I want people to feel that they were lucky to know me. I want to be a great role model for someone else someday.

That day is today.

With Love,
The Recovering Urchin